If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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