so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
