I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
