Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
