Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
