I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
