From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
