We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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