Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
