Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
