i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
