This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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