Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
