Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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