Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
