Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
