I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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