Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
