you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
