Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
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