It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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