why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
