the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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