my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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