Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
