is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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