I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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