fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
