we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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