You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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