I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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