Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
