Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
