It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
