You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
