Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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