and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
