I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
