I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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