haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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