My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
