Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
