I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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