Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
