R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
