Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
