Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
