Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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