but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
