Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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