Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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