saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
