that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
