My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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