he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
