So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
