Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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